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Merry Xmas from Gnostic Bent!

Star Wars Xmas - Lucasfilm

Happy holidays from a galaxy near you! (Lucasfilm)

Worst Thanksgiving Dish Ever

This Thanksgiving, be grateful you don't have to eat this! (Vintage Recipe Cards)

This Thanksgiving, be grateful you don’t have to eat this! (Vintage Recipe Cards)

Spooked

All Hallow’s Eve circa 1905. Otherwise known as a turn-of-the-century spook. Is it possible this was Pat Robertson before he found Jesus? (Getty Images)

Happy Halloween!

Or as televangelist Pat Robertson likes to call it, “the day when millions of children and adults will be dressing up as devils, witches, and goblins … to celebrate Satan.”

Time to give the Devil his due!

Good Cop, Better Cop

Cops can help Santa spread joy at Christmas (Thomas Nedzbala/Law Enforcement Today)

Given the recent killings of unarmed African-Americans by police—as well as the lack of indictments in these cases—it should come as no surprise that law enforcement officers are not very popular right now. Of course, we should all remember that for every bad cop, there is a good cop doing his job correctly and for the right reasons.

Don’t believe me? Then consider these stories of cops doing right by the people they serve—and spreading some Christmas joy in the meantime.

Last Saturday, officers in Boynton Beach, Florida responded to an emergency hang-up that turned out to be little girl playing with the phone in her home. While they were speaking with the girl’s mother, they learned she was a single parent who was struggling so much that she couldn’t even afford a Christmas tree. So what did they do?

They went out the next day, bought a tree with all the trimmings and delivered it to the family for Christmas. And after the little girl’s reaction “melted their hearts,” they decided to take things one step further: they plan to return with gifts, too!

Now if that doesn’t show the true meaning of Christmas, I don’t know what will… except maybe this next story!

For the past three years—as part of their Cops for Kids program—Pantego police officers in Texas have allowed drivers to get out of traffic citations not with cash, but with gift donations for Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth. Here’s what drivers receive instead of a ticket:

Much better than a ticket, don't you think? (Pantego Police Department)

Much better than a ticket, don’t you think? (Pantego Police Department)

How’s that for Christmas spirit?

Both of these stories should have warmed your heart, but I saved the best for last. Here’s a story that would even bring a smile to Scrooge’s face.

For several days in November, the police department in Lowell, Michigan did something completely unexpected. After pulling drivers over for minor infractions, officers made small talk with people and asked what they or their children wanted for Christmas. Little did they know that while they were speaking, a group of Santa’s helpers were standing by at a local store to purchase gifts for them, which were then delivered car-side by the very officers who pulled them!

Check out the video for yourself by going HERE. I promise it will make your day.

Yes, there are cops who break the law, abuse their power and harm—or even kill—people. However, we all need to understand that police officers are human, too. And for every bad cop, there are tens, hundreds or even thousands of officers who genuinely serve and protect us the right way—like the officers in these stories.

This Christmas, I hope we will remember them as much as we do those we lost to bad cops this year. After all, a few bad apples shouldn’t spoil the bunch, especially during the holidays!

Jingle All the Way

They shake like two bowls full of jelly! (Sara X/YouTube)

They shake like two bowls full of jelly! (Sara X/YouTube)

In need of a little more Christmas cheer?

If so, then look no further than this VIDEO posted by none other than Sara X, the infamous boob-twerking model whose implants danced to Mozart in October—and raised awareness and money for breast cancer research in the process.

This Christmas, her boobs are twerking to that holiday favorite “Jingle Bells.” And their performance will warm your heart… and maybe a few other places depending on your sexual orientation.

I hope it brings you as much joy and wonder as I would experience if Sara X were sitting across from me with her hands behind her back!

Ho ho ho!

Crazy Christmas Cards

Holiday Gift Ideas

stretch marks

Barbie with stretch marks is keeping it real! (Nickolay Lamm/Lammily)

One week from today is the dreaded Black Friday, the official first day of the Christmas shopping season. Stores around the country will open early and entice customers with all sorts of sales and “door buster” specials. And despite consumer spending being in a slump, you better believe people will be fighting tooth-and-nail to find the perfect gifts for friends and loved ones.

Personally, I try not to leave the house on Black Friday. Crowds and traffic really bother me and I tend to have a short fuse for rude people and bad drivers. It’s probably best I become a recluse and do the majority of my shopping online.

Of course, I also run across great gift ideas as I cruise through cyberspace, so why not share them with you good people? Here are some “hot sellers” for 2014, all of which should make quite an impression on their recipients:

  • Artist and researcher Nickolay Lamm has designed Lammily dolls, which some people have described as Normal Barbies. Basically, these are dolls that more realistically portray average American women—namely an average 19-year-old woman. You can even purchase an add-on pack of stickers that allow children to give their dolls stretch marks, tattoos, cellulite, acne, scars and more!
  • Kristof Retezar, a student at the University of Applied Arts in Vienna, has designed something known as Fontus. Named after the Roman god of springs and wells, Fontus is a device that attaches to the back of a bicycle, condenses moisture from the air and wind, and uses it to fill a water bottle hidden behind the seat. Granted, it hasn’t been perfected or manufactured yet, but it might be a good gift for the athlete in your family sometime in the next few years. And it never hurts to start shopping early, does it?
  • At the November 19th DEMO conference, two science guys—Austin Heinz and Gilad Gome—previewed the Sweet Peach, a probiotic for women that can help prevent UTIs and yeast infections. Of course, it has another effect that some may find even more appealing: it makes a woman’s vagina smell like peaches! If you know anyone interested in a hoo-ha that smells of fresh fruit, then this is the gift for you!

Now your lady can smell like Princess Peach, too! (Nintendo/Fanpop)

Sadly, I am unable to link to pages where these gifts can be purchased. My blog would get shut down for sure if I did that. However, these gift ideas should make one thing abundantly clear about Christmas 2014: there is indeed something for everyone!

Night of Terror

Those were the days! (Flickr)

Oh, how I miss the Halloween of my youth.

As a child growing up in 1970s America, Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. I remember going to the local drug store with my parents, walking down rows of boxed costumes, selecting my identity for the evening and drooling over all the candy to come with the setting sun.

Sure, there were warnings about razor blades in apples, but none of us really cared since we would never eat the apples we were given. If anything, we tossed them into bushes, threw them at each other or chucked them back at the houses from whence they came.

All we wanted was candy, and lots of it.

Back then—and once I was old enough to handle things on my own—my friends and I could trick-or-treat without our parents. We never worried about pedophiles, psycho killers and other villains intent on doing us harm. The world was a safer place, we knew our neighbors and we all looked out for one another.

You think I’m kidding, but Kim Kardashian costumes could be all the rage this year (NY Daily News)

It was a far cry from today, in other words.

Of course, this doesn’t stop me from venturing out with my son every Halloween, collecting (and checking) mounds of candy and withdrawing indoors to watch scary movies until the wee hours of the morning. It’s not the Halloween I remember, but to my seven-year-old son it’s still new and exciting. And now it’s his turn to make some memories.

So as you venture out tonight with your brood—dressed as superheroes, monsters or even reality television stars (think Kardashians)—I hope you enjoy the spookiness that Halloween has to offer while also being safe. It should be a fun time for all!

Happy VD from Gnostic Bent!

Here's hoping your VD doesn't end with... well... VD (HousingPANIC)

Here’s hoping your VD doesn’t end with… well… VD (HousingPANIC)

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.  -Richard Jeni

In honor of a holiday filled with expensive flowers, saturated fats, slutty underwear—sometimes of the edible variety—overbooked restaurants, depression, broken hearts and yes, even the occasional venereal disease, Gnostic Bent would like to wish you-and-yours a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

Back tomorrow as we cruise toward 2014! (Lincoln County Library System)

Back tomorrow as we cruise toward 2014! (Lincoln County Library System)

Christmas 2013 is in full swing and children everywhere are enjoying toys, games, electronics and all sorts of amazing gifts. Family and friends are spending time together and finally slowing down after another busy shopping season. And though there is always some darkness to be had—like the bombings in Baghdad that claimed 34 lives earlier today—the overwhelming feeling that I get is one of peace and joy.

I certainly hope it lasts.

Since my son will become a “child of divorce” next year—and is currently a “child of separation,” which should also be a category—my Christmas with him won’t begin for another few hours. Santa has already visited and done his thing, but there are still some last-minute, loose ends to tie up.

Happy Holidays from The Bent! (Harilo)

Happy Holidays from The Bent! (Harilo)

Combine these preparations with the unavoidable afternoon flurry of Lego building to come and blogging, I’m sorry to say, must take a back seat. After all, Christmas comes only once a year and when you’re the father of a 6-year-old boy, you have to treasure these moments because they will not come again.

So on this wonderful and amazing Christmas Day, I wish you and yours—wherever you are in this big, old world of ours—the best Christmas ever. Peace and love to you all, my brothers and sisters.

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