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Author Archives: mars6995
After fading from the limelight a little in recent weeks—and providing us all with a brief tongue-wagging respite—it appears that pop singer Miley Cyrus is up to her old tricks again.
Last Friday evening—during a performance in Illinois as part of the Bangerz Tour—Cyrus turned heads when she decided to shove her face into the more-than-ample bosom of dancer Amazon Ashley. Since Cyrus was fully clothed at the time, though, her antics didn’t make national headlines… at least not until today.
The latest escapade involving the “Wrecking Ball” singer happened Sunday night in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Cyrus was preparing to perform her hit “23” and went in for a quick wardrobe change, but ran out of time before the music started playing. Unwilling to disappoint her fans—yet willing to push the envelope at every turn—Cyrus moved quickly and took the stage without her costume.
That’s right… she took the stage in only her bra and panties. Go figure.
Although most people probably never noticed the costume mishap—and underwear undoubtedly provides more coverage than most of her outfits—Cyrus took to Twitter after the show to explain herself.
“Not a new outfit for 23. I didn’t make my quick change and I couldn’t not come out for the song so I just had to run out in my undies.”
I don’t know about you, but I certainly forgive her!
One of my favorite television mini-series—and arguably one of the best in the history of cable television—was HBO’s Band of Brothers. The series followed the members of Easy Company—part of the U.S. Army’s 101st Airborne division—as they fought through Europe during World War II.
And in terms of war-related drama and action, it simply doesn’t get any better.
Unfortunately, one of the “brothers” has passed away. SSgt. William “Wild Bill” Guarnere—portrayed on-screen by actor Frank John Hughes—died of a ruptured aneurism on Saturday night. He was 90 years old.
“He lived a good life,” Guarnere’s son said the morning after his death. “He traveled a lot [and] pretty much did everything he could have done.”
One of those things was serving our great nation and even losing a leg while trying to save one of his battlefield comrades. The best word to describe Guarnere—and I know of no one who might dispute this—is hero. And that is exactly what the world lost this weekend.
Rest in peace, Wild Bill. And thanks for everything…
If you live in Massachusetts and find yourself in need of a condom, give the Massachusetts Department of Public Health a call. They have roughly 40,000 to spare.
Almost that exact number of the latex donations was recently returned to the MDPH by Boston Public Schools—and all because of the wrappers the condoms were wearing at the time.
How’s that for irony?
Last year, the school committee adopted a policy that allowed high school students access to free condoms if they first received safe-sex counseling. Parents had the option of opting out if they preferred. And now it appears that some who opted in may be rethinking their decision.
Apparently, the packaging of each individual “shrink wrap” in the latest shipment of donations was deemed offensive by parents who found it inappropriate.
“I was deeply offended,” mother of three students Helen Dajer said of the questionable wrapping. “As a health care provider, I’ve given out countless condoms, but never any like these. The wrappers need to be neutral, maybe just blue or red, not these suggestive slogans, which are offensive to women.”
My personal favorites are the “busy beaver” and “hump one,” but she might have a point.
Needless to say, Boston school officials moved quickly and took to the airwaves to announce their efforts. Boston Public Schools Director of Media Relations Brian Ballou told WBZ NewsRadio on Thursday that the condoms would soon be “out of school circulation” in favor of some with “different, generic wrappers.” The state has even intervened and provided more condoms with dull, non-stimulating wrappers.
And maybe that’s part of the plan. After all, a condom in a boring wrapper might be less tempting to use than one with lots of flair. It seems like an even riskier proposition to me, though, because what if teens decide not to use them at all? Better to lure them into contraception through creative packaging than to drive them away, don’t you think?
Make the call, Boston Public Schools! It might not be too late to get those 40,000 condoms back!
In 2010, Massachusetts authorities received numerous complaints from the transit police about 32-year-old Michael Robertson, who was allegedly taking upskirt photographs and video footage of women on the trolley.
For those of you unfamiliar with upskirt photos—and despite the name being pretty self-explanatory—they involve cell phones placed under the skirts of unsuspecting victims (generally females) to snap pictures of their “unmentionables.” Some victims may be wearing underwear while some may be “going commando,” but you can bet all of them end up posted on the Internet sooner or later. There are hundreds—if not thousands—of sites devoted solely to this sketchy branch of voyeurism… or so I’ve heard.
Based on these complaints, police set up a decoy operation to bust Robertson and, true to form, he walked right into their trap. Several officers observed him placing a cell phone video camera up a woman’s skirt. And we’re not talking about just any woman, either—it was a female police officer!
Robertson was of course arrested and charged with two counts of “attempting to secretly photograph a person in a state of partial nudity.” Facing misdemeanor charges that could send him to prison for nearly three years, he immediately filed a motion with a lower court to have the case dismissed. Robertson’s lawyers contended that none of his so-called “victims” were nude or even partially nude at the time their upskirt photos were taken. Furthermore, the victims were also in a public place where none of them had a “reasonable expectation of privacy.”
Unfortunately for Robertson, his motion was quickly denied—at least until this past week, thanks to some recent developments.
On Wednesday, Massachusetts’ highest court reversed the lower court’s decision not to dismiss Robertson’s case because the state law “does not apply to photographing (or videotaping or electronically surveilling) persons who are fully clothed and, in particular, does not reach the type of upskirting that the defendant is charged with attempting to accomplish on the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA).”
“In sum, we interpret the phrase, ‘a person who is … partially nude’ in the same way that the defendant does, namely, to mean a person who is partially clothed but who has one or more of the private parts of body exposed in plain view at the time that the putative defendant secretly photographs her,” the high court also stated in their ruling.
You read that correctly: it is now legal in Massachusetts to take upskirt photographs of anyone you like. So to all you ladies in that great state, it might be time to consider a little fashion change… to pants!
Or if you must wear a skirt, at least some panties. You just never know who might be watching.
UPDATE (March 7, 2014): A mere day after posting this article, Governor Deval Patrick of Massachusetts signed a bill that criminalizes “upskirting” as a misdemeanor punishable by 2 1/2 years in jail and a $5000 fine. Sorry, perverts. Time to find a new hobby, I guess.
After posting at least one article each day for more than a year and a half, it wasn’t sloth, boredom or even a natural disaster that finally ended my streak; it was a stomach bug.
Yes, for the last two days I have been a wretched and disgusting mess thanks to some kind of stomach virus my son passed on to me. He’s only six and his school is little more than a Petri dish for germs and bacteria, so I certainly can’t blame him. All I can do is try to recover and, to be honest, day two still has me feeling shaky and weak.
I stopped puking my guts out every few hours, so at least I know that I’m getting better.
Of course, blogging yesterday was impossible for any number of reasons, not the least of which was the lack of space for a laptop on the bathroom floor. Even if it had fit, I’m sure it would be useless once I covered it in vomit. And I’m confident that’s how things would have played out, so I didn’t bother risking it.
Feeling slightly better today, I did manage to drag my ass up to my office to access my desktop computer. It’s older and if I destroy it with regurgitated bodily fluids, at least I’ll have an excuse to replace it. I even managed to troll the news headlines, just to see if there was anything that piqued my interest. And it didn’t take me long to find something relatable to my current and miserable state, either.
It was a story about a virus.
Apparently, scientists working in Siberia recently uncovered a giant virus dating back 30,000 years—around the time that wooly mammoths and saber-tooth tigers walked the earth. Pithovirus sibericum—a newly discovered third family of giant viruses that infects amoebas but is harmless to humans—was found in the Siberian permafrost, which like most polar regions is thawing at an alarming rate. And scientists warn that buried even deeper in the ice could be the next big threat to life on this planet.
“This is an indication that viruses pathogenic for human or animals might also be preserved in old permafrost layers,” co-author of the study Jean-Michel Claverie indicated, “including some that have caused planet-wide epidemics in the past.”
Personally, I think I’ll stick with the stomach bug…
It’s been awhile since I awarded anyone for being the so-called Jackass of the Day. I guess part of me still believed what my mother always told me: if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all. Of course, this has never prevented me from criticizing fellow humans who do wrong or act in harmful or even ridiculous ways, so why stop now?
I should also point out that—as an English major—I was always taught to select the most appropriate word for the situation. And since the word jackass seems most appropriate in this forum—even though some other, meaner terms could be applied—I decided it would work best. Hopefully, you will agree once you read about my award winners, as well as their recent exploits.
Today’s Jackass of the Day Award was difficult to assign since there were so many good candidates. However, I did identify two recipients who were more-than-worthy of this honor. And if they received a badge for winning, I have no doubt they would wear it proudly.
Our first recipient remains nameless, but hails from Lakeland, Florida. He is a 57-year-old man who was seriously injured Sunday before being transported by helicopter to Tampa General Hospital. What caused his injuries, you might ask? Check this out.
John Doe (as I will refer to him) is a smoker who must have decided that we as a group don’t get enough bad publicity, so he chose to kick it up a notch. Authorities responded to a call from the independent living facility Lakeland Presbyterian Apartments around 1:30 p.m. and found John with life-threatening burns to his face and hands. Apparently, he decided to “light up,” but must have forgotten that he was using medical-grade oxygen at the time.
Oxygen tank + lit cigarette = disaster.
This may seem like a common-sense equation, but obviously some people can’t do the math. And for being one of those people, John Doe wins the Jackass of the Day Award. Congratulations, John!
Splitting the award with John is someone I normally wouldn’t mention since they are very young, but I call them like I see them. She is the daughter of Patrick Snay, former head of the Gulliver Preparatory School in Miami, Florida. And what she did to deserve a share of the Jackass of the Day Award ended up costing her father a cool $80,000.
I certainly think she qualifies as a result, but you be the judge.
In 2011, Snay filed an age discrimination complaint against Gulliver Prep because his contract wasn’t renewed. I don’t have all the details, of course, but by November 2011 the school had agreed to pay Snay $10,000 in back pay as part of an $80,000 settlement. The only stipulation was that Snay, his wife and their attorneys keep the deal confidential, and they signed an agreement to this effect.
Unfortunately, Snay’s daughter heard about the deal and immediately did what so many have done thanks to social networking: she blasted a comment through cyberspace that eventually came back to bite her—and her parents—in the ass. Using her Facebook account, she posted the following status: “Mama and Papa Snay won the case against Gulliver. Gulliver is now officially paying for my vacation to Europe this summer. SUCK IT!”
She must have forgotten that some of her 1,200 friends still attended Gulliver, so it didn’t take long for school officials to catch wind of it. They immediately sent a letter to Snay’s attorneys indicating he would not receive his settlement since he clearly broke the confidentiality agreement he signed. Initially, Snay filed a motion to have the settlement upheld—and won in the Circuit Court—but Gulliver appealed. And last week, the Third District Court of Appeal for the State of Florida agreed with the school and overturned the earlier ruling in Snay’s favor.
In other words, he will not be receiving an $80,000 settlement… and all because his daughter decided to boast about it on Facebook. Congratulations, sister! You’re our second Jackass of the Day!
Now start saving up for college since you blew a pretty good nest egg with that Facebook status!
It was February 2nd when the body of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, 46, was discovered in the bathroom of his New York City apartment, a syringe still stuck in his left arm. His tragic death was ruled an accident, but Friday the New York medical examiner’s office released their official cause of death: acute mixed drug intoxication.
Although this news may come as no surprise given the circumstances of Phil’s death—like the syringe—the combination of drugs he used during his final night on Earth just might: cocaine, heroin, amphetamines and benzodiazepines. And this after being clean for 23 years, falling off the wagon, completing a stint in rehab and then staying clean for almost another year now. What a shame.
When I first heard this “laundry list” of drugs—and please don’t take this the wrong way—I thought Phil had to be a complete idiot to let this happen. Here I was believing him to be an intelligent and stable guy—albeit with some bad habits and addictions, which we all suffer from in our own way—only to discover he was a brainless junkie with no self-control and no instincts toward self-preservation.
The truth, however, is that Phil was a sick man who took so many drugs—some legal and some not—that he built up a tolerance to them. The next time he used them, it took more to get him high, and more the time after that. In the medical field, this is referred to as stacking… and eventually, it will catch up with you.
Of course, I’m still struggling to understand why Phil chose this particular combination of substances. I get the heroin addiction and understand its effects to be mellow sedation, for lack of a better term. The benzodiazepines are nothing more than muscle relaxers used to treat anxiety, so they fall right in line with Lady H. And yes, I can see how this combination alone would be enough to do Phil in—and while he was shooting up “in the can,” no less.
What confused me weren’t the depressants found in Phil’s system; it was the stimulants. The medical examiner found both amphetamines and cocaine in the mix, which I’m having trouble explaining. It’s possible he used these to stay awake and enjoy his heroin buzz longer—staving off the sleep that likely comes quickly after combining heroin with Xanax. Aside from that, I have no idea.
All I know is that the world lost an incredible talent and another good person to drug addiction. I feel like Phil could have prevented this—since any intelligent person should know a combination of this many drugs could be deadly—but individuals deal with their addictions in very unique and personal ways. It is never “one size fits all,” but its effects are always the same: pain, suffering and death.
From one combination to another, I guess…
After facing a one-day WordPress suspension and claiming I may stop blogging daily as a result—in yesterday’s post entitled Suspension Rescinded—it now looks as if one more day will be added to my streak of twenty consecutive months. This happened because I started tooling around my blog statistics and for once focused on something I normally ignore: the search terms that lead readers to my site.
And let me tell you, some of them are pretty hilarious.
Since spreading joy and laughter is one of my blogging goals—as well as a good way of justifying my sarcastic, jackass-like tendencies—I thought it might be nice to share some of these terms with my readers… especially since you’re the ones actually entering these words and phrases into search engines.
Of course, I hope none of you take offense since I have no way of tracking who conducted these searches. If anything, it’s likely me who should be concerned since it’s my blog content that led people here.
Is it possible that I’m more demented than I originally thought?
Personally, I would answer in the affirmative, but take a look at what follows and see if you agree. I’m sure it will only reinforce what I already know… as if there were ever any doubt.
The Fame Game
As you might imagine, celebrities and other newsworthy individuals top the list—Kim Kardashian holds the top spot among all search terms, but Jodi Arias is a close second. Other famous names include Selena Gomez—who I find terribly attractive even though I’m probably older than her parents—Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox, who dropped off for a time but jumped back into the fray after being convicted of murdering Meredith Kercher by an Italian court recently.
Great Britain’s royal family also appeared numerous times, but the most prevalent search terms related to them were royal nudity and Kate Middleton topless. I guess we can see where people’s priorities lie, huh?
Also included among the search terms for Gnostic Bent were questions posed by some very inquisitive readers. Unfortunately, most of the answers they seek cannot be found on my blog—aside from can sperm help a sore throat?, which was answered in a previous post (and yes it can, even though I plan to stick with lozenges)—so I’ll do my best to address the others now:
- Do men sympathize with girls not being able to pee standing up? I can’t speak for all men, of course, but I certainly sympathize. It’s not the mobility issue that concerns me, though (i.e. the need to find adequate facilities rather than just whipping out your wiener and spraying anywhere you see fit). It’s the fact that most toilet seats are disgusting and sitting on them frequently opens the door for rampant butt rash… not to mention all sorts of other germs and infections. Sorry about that, ladies, but at least women are less likely to coat the entire seat in urine, which is how most guys seem to roll.
- What are the disadvantages of being a boy in Canada? Since I am unaware of any such disadvantages, I feel this question is better suited for a Canadian blogger. I would make a referral if I knew of any. My bad.
- Can technology make a woman feel the pain of being hit in the balls? I certainly hope not since this is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Plus, creating a machine like this would undoubtedly lead to a childbirth machine for men… and I have absolutely no interest in that!
- What are the disadvantages of sucking a man’s testicles? Fortunately, I have never experienced this—and have no plans to—but the most obvious disadvantage to me would be the need to floss pubic hair out of your teeth later. A shaved scrotum would obviously prevent this—provided there are men brave enough to run razor blades across it!
Among the search terms I investigated were a handful that either made little or no sense to me, struck me as odd or scared the crap out of me. Here’s a quick rundown, which I hope you can figure out since I had very little luck in doing so: sparkly devil, pissed off, rectal exam, happiness bald—I am glad to know there are happy bald people in the world—kids handcuffed, poo cake/poo poo—for any scat fans in the bunch—urge to lick things, acid cow camel and snake eating human.
This last phrase was a little confusing since I couldn’t figure out who was eating who!
Good Clean Fun
Sadly, I found only two search terms that classify as wholesome or even normal: freedom and childbirth. Most focused on my next major category, which should come as no surprise.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
Yes, the overwhelming subject of most Gnostic Bent searches is everyone’s favorite: SEX. And I’m not just talking about typical search terms, either, even though they were clearly represented (sex, sex videos, upskirt and couples making love naked all made the list). Of course, I am a little confused how people could make love without being naked—at least partially—but to each, his own.
In general, sex-related search terms fell into a number of different categories. Here’s how I have them grouped up—and again, some of these terms made me laugh so hard that I almost crapped my pants:
- Where’s the Beef? Man parts were well represented by terms like penis size does matter, lick dick and how to suck a penis. Sorry that I could offer no advice on these last two, but they seem rather self-explanatory. And most women I know learned through trial-and-error. It’s probably best to ask one of them for assistance.
- From Behind. As a self-professed “ass man”—as well as a blogger known for posting images of women’s back sides on a regular basis—I wasn’t surprised by how many terms focused on this anatomical feature. However, the specificity of some of these terms caught me a little off guard: butt crack, booty line up, ghetto booty, bent ass, curvy ass—those two were kind of weird—her ass, her shitter—one of my friends substitutes the word dumper, which to me seems rather gross—and the most mind-boggling of all, ass found and found in her ass. It matters little, though, since I have never lost an ass and still consider them all to be “exit only.”
- Topside. Coming in right behind… women’s behinds… were boobs in all their glory, even though the most popular search terms were limited primarily to the following : huge breasts, huge implants, huge bust and sexy nipples. I apologize to melon farmers and jug makers everywhere since their favorite words never appeared in my stats.
- Down Under. Vaginas made the cut, but most of the related terms focused on camel toes—the public appearance of these private parts through tight clothing. Of course, some searched for early camel toes (those appearing throughout history, I suppose), camel’s toe (which may actually be the real thing–a dromedary’s digit) and my personal favorite, camo toe (those difficult to find because they blend into their surroundings). One person even added some Jerry McGuire-like flair and entered show me the toe into their search. I can only assume they meant camel toe since their search brought them here.
- Water Sports. Anyone familiar with this phrase—in its sexual context, that is—knows it refers to urination as a means of arousal. Like it or not, but some people actually enjoy getting peed on. Fortunately, the water sports search terms on my blog fell under the category of skinny dipping: nude in pool and swimming in the buff. I did find the term penie wee wee, but that was the only true water sports reference… I think.
- Getting Freaky. Whenever sex is involved—especially on the Internet—you can count on some freaky people searching for even freakier things. And I found no shortage of them among my search terms. Here’s a small sampling: barnyard porn, Siamese sex (which I can’t imagine is much different from sex in any other country), volleyball vagina (those covered in sand or willing to “spike” something, I guess), young jailbait (as opposed to the older variety), dog sex/women dog sex/sex with dogs (all disturbing in their own right) and another mind-boggler, sausage room gay. I can understand the connection, of course. I just didn’t know there was a special room for it.
Honestly, though, I could care less what search terms bring readers to Gnostic Bent—I’m just glad they’re here—but they sure keep things interesting, don’t you think?