Author Archives: mars6995

S.O.B.s from the GOP

The new face of foolishness: Donald Trump (Playbuzz)

If I ever feel bummed out or depressed, I sometimes scan the online news sites for stories about GOP presidential candidates, who always make me laugh. Their ineptitude and general stupidity never fail to bring a smile to my face, especially where two particular candidates are concerned: Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

I swear these guys could pair up for a pretty entertaining Vegas show if they were so inclined.

The story I read about Trump was not very recent—it was originally posted this summer—but it certainly illustrates why he has no business in a presidential race. In an interview with NBC News, Trump was asked about Charles Krauthammer, a journalist who is paralyzed from the waist down and had the nerve to refer to Trump as a “rodeo clown.” Trump responded as only Trump could:

“I went out, I made a fortune, a big fortune, a tremendous fortune… bigger than people even understand. Then I get called by a guy that can’t buy a pair of pants, I get called names?”

Since then, Trump has insulted immigrants, female reporters and basically anyone who doesn’t agree with his extreme, dumbass ideas. Yet somehow he remains a front-runner in the Republican battle for the presidential nomination. I can’t understand this, but I do have one thing to say to this squirrel-coiffed madman: “Stay classy, Donald.”

Ben Carson wants to be the next big action star (Getty Images)

The story I read about Ben Carson—another ridiculous candidate for Commander-in-Chief—was more recent and happened earlier this week. Carson was being interviewed on Fox & Friends and responded to a question about the recent shooting at Umpqua Community College in Oregon. Nine people were killed when Christopher Harper-Mercer walked into a classroom, asked students their religion and murdered each of them in cold blood—and here’s what Carson had to say about it:

“I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, ‘Hey, guys. Everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.’”

That’s easy for Carson to say from his warm seat in Fox studios, but things are much different when you’re in a life-threatening situation. And who knows how someone will react once fear and adrenaline start coursing through them?

Oddly enough, someone did fight back on that fateful day in Oregon: Army veteran Chris Mintz. And he was shot seven times, but still managed to survive. He is currently recovering from his wounds—and it seems to me that someone as intelligent and courageous as Ben Carson would know this before making such insensitive and ridiculous remarks.

Some may find these stories shocking and offensive, but I assure you we will all feel this way if either of these morons wins the Republican nomination or worse, the presidency. And if this does happen, I have only one question:

Anyone want to move to Canada with me?

Gassed Up

Good luck consuming one of these without farting! (Case Pork Roll Company)

In February 2014, 70-year-old Richard Clem was fired from his comptroller job for something you may never imagine: flatulence.

Yes, you read that correctly. Poor Richard was terminated for farting too much, but at least he had a good excuse. When he was originally hired, Clem weighed a whopping 420 pounds. In October 2010, however, he underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost more than 100 pounds in the process. Unfortunately, the procedure was not without side effects, which included “extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea.”

His employer should probably count himself lucky that the former prompted Clem’s termination rather than the latter, huh?

By 2013, Clem’s condition worsened and supposedly caused a “significant disruption in the workplace.” Clem was asked to work from home to reduce the “odor in the office,” but was fired on February 28, 2014 nonetheless. His wife quit the same day due to all the “harassment and discrimination” her spouse faced. And last month, she filed a lawsuit against her employers, alleging they violated the Americans with Disabilities Act regarding Clem’s obesity and related issues.

I admit this story tickled my funny bone a little since the cause for Clem’s termination was flatulence. However, I support his case because of the nature of his employer. You see, Clem worked for the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, New Jersey—the manufacturer of “old-fashioned, hickory-smoked pork rolls,” according to their website.

Now if that isn’t entrapment, I don’t know what is!

Rock Me Like A Hurricane

Crazy weather is heading my way! (Karrock/Pix11)

I am sad to report that Hurricane Joaquin is currently bearing down on the East Coast, so there may be some delay in my next blog posting. Fortunately, Joaquin—which is as unpredictable as the famous actor of the same name—has taken a turn to the east and may miss me completely. Meteorologists obviously have no idea what will happen next, but I fully expect to return next week. Until then, be safe out there and have a great weekend, people!

Can You Dig It?

One of my favorite films and a cult classic: The Warriors (Paramount Pictures)

In 1979, a film based on a 1965 Sol Yurick novel was released that had a huge impact on me and many others: The Warriors. The film starred Michael Beck and followed a Coney Island gang of the same name who were framed for the murder of a gang leader and had to fight their way back to their turf while being pursued by every gang in New York City. It received mostly negative reviews at the time, but has since become a cult classic.

I, for one, have both VHS and DVD copies of the film, which I watch every couple of years mostly for nostalgia, but also for a glimpse of how NYC used to be. And I am never disappointed, despite some of the characters’ expressions being somewhat dated and cheesy.

Can you dig it? I know that I can.

Earlier this month—as I recently learned—a number of the original Warriors from the film reunited 37 years later to recreate their final subway ride from the film. Those in attendance included Michael Beck (Swan), David Harris (Cochise), Terry Michos (Vermin), Dorsey Wright (Cleon) and Thomas G. Waites (Fox).

You can check out clips of their final ride courtesy of Rolling Stone by going HERE.

Joining the actors were attendees dressed as gang members from the film, as well as a new generation of Warriors from the area. “Basically, this is a social club for Coney Island,” one new Warrior said. “We started it for the youth though, because of all the gang violence that was happening in our town and what not. We tried to get all the youth to join us instead of joining real gangs.”

It was an incredible event and one that I regret being unable to attend personally. Sadly, I couldn’t “come out to play” since I just heard about it!

Trimming Down

With regard to weight loss, should Christie really be pointing fingers? (NY Post)

One thing that I truly dislike about politics—and most organized religions, for that matter—is hypocrisy. Political candidates rarely seem to practice what they preach. And though they often call out others for their inconsistencies and transgressions—in an effort to garner support among the public—they are almost always guilty of similar transgressions themselves. The media are known for uncovering such skeletons in their closets, which is likely their most important function given how much bullshit they normally sling.

Consider New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, a candidate for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, for instance.

Earlier this week, Christie criticized the leader of his state’s National Guard—Air Force Brigadier General Michael Cunniff—for being too fat and out-of-shape. Apparently, Cunniff had been reprimanded by the Pentagon for his poor physical fitness and excessive weight, so Christie gave him 90 days to “meet his obligations” and slim down.

A statement from one of Christie’s spokesmen put it like this: “The Governor has expressed directly to the General that his failure to meet that standard or to provide notification of his formal reprimand is both unacceptable and disappointing.”

I’m sorry, but if ever there were an instance of the “pot calling the kettle black,” this would have to be it.

In 2013, Christie underwent weight-loss surgery and had a band placed around his stomach to limit his food intake. He made light of this by referring to himself as “the healthiest fat guy you’ve ever seen.” Of course, he could have chosen to eat right, exercise and lose weight the healthy way, but he instead opted for the so-called easy way out. Was this same surgery offered to Cunniff? Certainly not.

I’m not a hater, but one look at Christie proves that surgery wasn’t the answer to all his weight problems. If anything, I bet that band around his stomach is stretched to the limit. One can only hope it doesn’t bust like a rubber band stretched too far. Otherwise he’s liable to explode all over his opponents during the next Republican debate.

Sadly, this might be just what he needs to make an impact in this election. And rather than forcing others to trim down, I hope stories like this result in a trimming down of the GOP candidate field even further—starting with the hypocrite known as Chris Christie!

Good Riddance

Farewell and thanks for the memories, SW! (TV Guide)

Yesterday, I heard some great news regarding the pool of Republican candidates vying for the presidential nomination: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has suspended his campaign! Woohoo!

This was actually the second piece of great GOP news since the first candidate to drop off was former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. That means there are 2 down and 14 or so to go. I wonder who will be next.

Actually, I hope the next candidate to drop off—aside from the hair-challenged jackass Donald Trump—will be retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Despite being completely unqualified for the job, he also seems to be a Muslim hater. Consider his comments on Meet the Press this past Sunday, when he said that he “would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation.”

So a neurosurgeon can be president, but not a homosexual or Muslim? Doesn’t sound like the land of the free to me (Mad Magazine)

Sorry, Ben, but religious freedom is one of the foundations upon which our nation was built. And I shudder to think only Christians would be permitted to lead this country. Being a “melting pot” means everyone has the chance to be president. Hell, we only elected a black president eight years ago, a fact I’m sure is significant to Carson as an African-American. If race wasn’t an issue, then why should religion be?

Of course, Carson didn’t stop there. On Monday, he clarified his position by mentioning that he would support a Muslim president, but only if that individual first denounced their religion.

“If someone has a Muslim background and they’re willing to reject those tenets and accept the way of life that we have and clearly will swear to place our constitution above their religion, then of course they’ll be considered infidels and heretic, but at least then I’d be quite willing to support them,” Carson told Sean Hannity from Fox News. “What we have to recognize is that this is America, and we have a constitution and we don’t put people at the leadership of our country whose faith will interfere with the carrying out the duties of the constitution.”

Sorry again, Ben, but the First Amendment includes freedom of religion. And as far as I know, no Christian president has ever been asked to denounce their religion. Why should this only apply to Muslims?

With any luck, this clear Muslim hatred will result in Carson being tossed from the presidential race, too. He certainly has no business in Washington and should probably focus on enjoying his retirement—in a Muslim-free community, of course!

Mother of the Year

Austen planned to give her daughter the worst birthday present ever! (Picslist)

Ask almost anyone who the most important person in their life is and a large percentage of people will likely say their mothers. After all, none of us would be here without them. And in most cases, mothers are there to help, support and nurture their kids. They lift us up when we’re down, remind us of our self-worth and understand how important the mother-child bond is with regard to our personal growth and development.

Every so often, though, a mother goes astray and does things more damaging than nurturing. And in some cases, what they do is downright stupid.

One such mom is Nicola Austen from the United Kingdom. And believe me—she won’t be winning any Mother of the Year awards anytime soon.

Last February, Austen’s daughter was going to turn 18, so mom decided to celebrate in style. Her plan was to rent a limousine and to head to London for a good time. To fuel their celebration, though, Austen ignored her motherly instincts and purchased some disturbing party favors: 12 bags of cocaine weighing more than eight grams.

Fortunately, Austen’s plans never materialized. In late January—and because she had six prior convictions, including one for methamphetamine possession—police paid her a little visit… and they brought a police dog with them. It didn’t take long for the curious canine to sniff out the coke, so Austen confessed. She got lucky, though. Because she had a young son who would suffer if she were tossed in jail—as well as a grandmother she cared for—the judge let her remain free. Her sentence was suspended and all she has to do now is complete 250 hours of community service.

Austen’s lucky she lives across the pond because if this happened in the States, her next Mother’s Day (or ten) would likely be spent behind bars. Talk about being born under a good sign!

The Biggest Loser

Brewton appears to be growing some kind of hair hat (Spartanburg PD)

Before I begin, I should make it clear that the title of this post does not reference the NBC reality show of the same name. Instead, it focuses on actual losers, not those who lose tons of weight. I do want to commend individuals who shed poundage, though. Keep up the good work!

No, the losers mentioned here won’t be featured on television, celebrated for their achievements or applauded for changing their lives in positive ways. Quite the opposite, actually. But one thing is for certain: they are all entertaining in their own ways. Don’t take my word for it, though. Read on and see who you feel is THE BIGGEST LOSER.

SPARTANBURG, SC: 46-year-old Annetta Brewton had a pretty interesting Tuesday, to say the least. She visited a strip mall, entered a Sav-A-Lot store and was seen shoplifting several steaks by shoving them in her shirt. Before the police could respond to the call placed by a store employee who witnessed the theft, though, Brewton left and entered a second store. This time, she didn’t steal anything; she just started begging for money and fondling other shoppers. When she was asked to leave, Brewton started cursing, dropped her pants and flashed her lady parts… but she didn’t stop there. She then ran down the street, broke into an elderly woman’s home and asked the lady to play cards with her.

Rubin assaulted strangers with urine (Multnomah County Sheriff)

By the time police arrived, Brewton had locked herself inside and refused to leave because she was using the toilet. And yes, her pants were down again. She was arrested, of course, but then kicked out the back window of the police car on the way to the station. Needless to say, she now faces charges that include burglary, indecent exposure, kidnapping and shoplifting. Sadly, styling her hair in a pseudo “uni-brow” isn’t a crime, but it likely should be.

PORTLAND, OR: Our next loser is 27-year-old Jeff Rubin, who was arrested last Friday after his JetBlue flight arrived at Portland International Airport. Apparently, Rubin slept through most of the flight, but stood up shortly before landing and started to pee on the passengers in front of him. At one point he even lost his balance, fell backwards and continued to spray everything—and everyone—around him. No one knows what motivated Rubin to provide golden shower service to those on the flight with him, but he was arrested and now faces charges of offensive littering and criminal mischief.

Good luck maintaining eye contact with King (Palm Beach County Jail)

WEST PALM BEACH, FL: Our final loser is 33-year-old Jefferson King, who was arrested at Burger King last week for a Whopper of a crime. According to eyewitnesses, King was seen sitting near the bathrooms and playing not with his burger, but with his hot dog. And yes, by “hot dog” I do mean his penis. A woman witnessed his self-love and asked what he was doing. “I’m playing with my penis!” he exclaimed. A manager asked King to leave, but he refused and continued to slap his salami. Officers were called and arrested King for indecent exposure, but even then he said that he had done nothing wrong. Judging from his mug shot, though, it seems public masturbation is the least of King’s problems!

Who is the biggest loser of the bunch, you ask? Hell, I think all three deserve the honor!

Remembering 9/11

Remember those we lost and those they left behind (McDonald and Osborne)

For my parents, the assassination of President John F. Kennedy was a pivotal moment in American history. And everyone from their generation remembers exactly where they were when the news of his death was released.

For me and those like me, however, the pivotal moment occurred on September 11, 2001 when terrorists hijacked passenger planes and unleashed hell upon the American people. Nearly 3,000 people died on that fateful day and 14 years later, the memory of what happened is as strong as it ever was.

The morning of September 11, I was working as a manager at a Mexican restaurant. Just before the attacks, I went to the bank to make a deposit and ran a few other errands. When I returned, I noticed a crowd of people standing in the bar and watching the television, their eyes glued to the screen.

My first reaction was typical of my early morning grumpiness, which would normally melt away after several cups of coffee and a handful of cigarettes. “Don’t these assholes know we open at ten?” I asked myself. “I haven’t even wiped the bar down yet.”

Of course, my demeanor changed dramatically once I saw what was unfolding on television. The first plane had hit the Twin Towers and like everyone there, I assumed it was some sort of accident. Then the unthinkable happened: a second plane crashed into the other tower.

That’s when we all knew this was no accident; it was terrorism, plain and simple. And at that moment, we all knew nothing would ever be the same.

More than a decade has passed since that horrible day—and life has pretty much returned to normal—but we should never forget those we lost on September 11. Please take a moment not to reflect on the horror of that day, but to remember those we lost.

I know that I will.

Jackass of the Day Award IX

Laszlo getting involved in the worst possible way (Reuters/Marko Djurica)

Although it’s been awhile since my last Jackass of the Day Award—and I could have published endless editions given how stupid some people are—a clear frontrunner entered the fray this week. Her name is Petra Laszlo and she is a journalist working for N1TV, the Hungarian nationalist television network.

And believe me… this woman could easily win Jackass of the Year. No one else even comes close.

While covering refugees fleeing from police in Roszke—near the Serbian border—Laszlo apparently wanted more engaging footage (pun intended) and decided to create it herself.

In one scene released via the Internet, she trips a man carrying a child, sending them both to the ground to be apprehended by pursuing officers. And in another scene—in the midst of a fleeing crowd—Laszlo can be seen kicking two refugee children.

The new face of evil (Daily Entertainment News)

Fortunately, social media exploded with outrage and Laszlo was later fired by N1TV. She may even face charges of violence against a member of the community, a crime that could carry a substantial prison sentence.

I, for one, hope they throw the book at this loser. Fabricating stories and sparking controversy are not new tactics in media and journalism, but violence is violence no matter how you slice it.

Congratulations, Laszlo. You truly deserve to be Jackass of the Day—if not Bitch of the Decade. And good luck finding a new job. I hear the anal thermometer testing center is hiring.


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