Author Archives: mars6995

The Bionic Man

Lee Majors: Part Man, Part Machine (ABC)

In 1973, the Lee Majors television show The Six Million Dollar Man debuted on ABC. The show followed Steve Austin, an astronaut who was injured when his spaceship crashed and whose body was rebuilt by the government using machine parts.

Basically, they turned him into a cyborg.

The show was popular enough to generate a spin-off (The Bionic Woman) and all sorts of toys and merchandise. As a child of the 1970s, I remember it fondly and even had a few action figures of my own to boast of.

Now it appears there is a new bionic man. His name is Mohammed Abad and he has only one bionic body part to speak of: his penis.

When this 43-year-old virgin from Scotland was only 6 years old, he was hit by a car and dragged 600 feet. His crotch took the brunt of the trauma and his genitals were completely sanded off, for lack of a better term. Fortunately, though, things improved for Abad more than thirty-seven years later.

After several years of skin grafts and operations, surgeons at University College London were able to create an 8-inch bionic penis for him. A button in Abad’s scrotum inflates his “member” with fluids from an implant lodged in his belly, enabling him to pleasure any woman brave enough to take the plunge, so to speak.

“When you want a bit of action you press the ‘on’ button,” Abad told reporters recently. “And when you are finished you press another button. It takes seconds. Some ladies might want to try it out.”

Of course, it’s probably only a matter of time before some porn production company tries to “cash in” on Abad’s cyborg wiener. They could call it The Six Million Dollar Manhood!


Crazy is as crazy does (Associated Press)

It has been said that you should never judge a book by its cover. Unless, of course, the cover is this image of Connor MacCalister, a deranged woman—transitioning to a man—from Saco, Maine.

Last week, MacCalister went to Shaw’s supermarket in Saco, tailed 59-year-old Wendy Boudreau from the parking lot into the store, grabbed her from behind in the ice cream aisle and slit her throat.

Apparently, she thought Boudreau “looked at [her] funny” and, since she was off her meds and not thinking straight, decided to attack her. Boudreau later died at the hospital.

Following her arrest, MacCalister confessed to planning the random attack over the course of a month. She was “angry with life and wanted to get back at someone.” The bug-eyed killer targeted older women “whom she knew wouldn’t resist” and her initial plan was to murder “several random people.”

Yes, the world is a crazy place full of crazy people—and judging from this picture, MacCalister is undoubtedly at the top of this list. So watch your backs, people. You just never know who might be lurking there.

Reality Check

Reality is always stranger than fiction (Melissa Agnes)

Have you ever woken up to a new day and felt that everything was right with the universe?

Me neither. And once I settle in to read the daily news, I quickly realize just how messed up the universe truly is, especially in this little corner of it. Take some of today’s stories, for instance… otherwise known as today’s reality checks.

In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, a man in a white van has been tossing paper airplanes into yards where kids are playing. This wouldn’t be an issue except for one important fact: the planes are made from pages torn out of pornographic magazines. The perpetrator is said to be a white man between the ages of 18-25 and he is still on the loose. Here’s hoping they apprehend this pervert sometime soon.

Weatherford uses pee to defend himself (Evansville PD)

In Evansville, Indiana, 84-year-old Charles Weatherford was recently arrested for battery after getting into a heated argument with a 13-year-old boy over some broken bricks on his property. Granted, an argument normally isn’t enough to warrant arrest, but Weatherford didn’t just lash out with words; he also dumped a bowl full of his urine over the boy’s head and claimed it was self-defense. I suppose the boy should be glad he wasn’t attacked with something even more odoriferous, huh?

And in Tokyo, Japan, a graduate student spurned by his cheating wife marched into a law office, beat the crap out of her lover, yanked down the man’s pants, cut his penis off with gardening shears and later flushed it down the toilet. Fortunately, his victim will live, but this should warrant some kind of cliché about a man scorned, don’t you think?

How’s that for a reality check?


“You come here often, baby?” (

It looks like Jeb isn’t the only Bush making headlines these days.

Enter Wallace Berg, an 81-year-old Connecticut man whose name may as well be “Dick Green.”

Last month, a neighbor saw Berg outside his Stratford home doing some gardening, of sorts. Actually, he was witnessed naked and allegedly “humping” a bush, but I suppose that counts as gardening in some deranged, kinky way.

After all, Berg was tending to his plants.

When his neighbor confronted him, Berg apparently got embarrassed, clothed himself in a nearby grill cover, apologized and disappeared into his home. Unfortunately, the video footage his neighbor collected during the bushwhacking was all authorities needed to charge him with public indecency. He was later released on $10,000 bond.

Man, I just had the best idea for a new dating/florist website!

That Smell

The hot air you feel tomorrow night will be coming from this crowd (Associated Press)

In the 1950s, Hans Laube collaborated with producer Mike Todd, Jr. to create Smell-O-Vision, a system that pumped scents into a movie theater to coincide with whatever was on the screen at the time (tobacco smoke, fresh bread and so on). They debuted their system during showings of the 1960 mystery film Scent of Mystery but, alas, the technology never really took off and faded into obscurity a short time later.

I mention this only because Fox News released the roster of Republican presidential candidates set to debate in prime time tomorrow night. They include Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and John Kasich.

If the movie stunk, you would never know from smelling it! (Getty Images)

Everyone else was invited to debate earlier in the day—which basically means they’re sitting at the kids’ table this time around. Sorry, Ricks (Perry and Santorum).

Honestly, it’s too bad Smell-O-Vision never amounted to much because if it had, it would surely be available through television today. And if it was available during tomorrow’s debate, only one smell would likely come through.

The smell of bullshit. And believe me, there should be plenty of it to go around.

Hard Liquor

This arousing spirit can be “hard” to come by (China Daily/Reuters)

For men, the relationship between alcohol and sexual performance is clear: the drunker you get, the less control you maintain over your manhood. The term most commonly used to describe this condition is “liquor dick,” but thanks to some distilleries in China, this may become a thing of the past.

According to Reuters, Chinese police are investigating two distilleries responsible for producing Baijiu, a strong grain liquor popular in that part of the world. Actually, it isn’t the Baijiu they’re investigating; it’s the Sildenafil being included with the fiery mixture.

In case you’re wondering, Sildenafil is also known as Viagra, the male impotence medication many credit with “bringing sexy back” for men whose wieners need an extra boost.

Thus far, more than 5,000 bottles have been confiscated by authorities, so I’m afraid this “hard” liquor won’t be available for long—or at all, really. Personally, though, I think it’s a shame.

After all, what better way to keep your customers in the bar than to give them all unexpected boners before they can cash out?

Silent, Not Deadly

The golden age of flatulence is upon us! (

Do you suffer from uncontrollable and embarrassing flatulence? Have you ever wished for clothing designed to filter or conceal the foul odor associated with excessive farting?

Well, wish no more, my gassy friends. Help has finally arrived.

Shreddies, the British company that introduced the world to fart-filtering underwear, has just announced the arrival of pajamas and jeans designed to keep your ass stench in check.

“You can wear your Shreddies Jeans and Pyjamas with your regular underwear, team them with a pair of Shreddies pants for double protection, or if you’re feeling brave, why not skip the underwear completely!? You’ll never have to worry about those moments again,” according to a press release on the company’s website.

Using the same Filtrex system as its fart-free underwear, the new Shreddies jeans and pajamas should make flatulence fun again. Now you can unleash your silent-but-deadly emissions without fear of discovery or ridicule.

Unfortunately, though, Shreddies only muffle smells, not sounds. So it’s probably still a good idea to find a private place to unload. Better safe than sorry, after all.

The Male Condition

EM can strike at any time without warning (Twitter/Awkward Boners)

By now, most of us have likely seen television commercials that advertise medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, also known as limp noodle syndrome. They almost always feature an older man doing manly things—or things that still make him feel like a man (using heavy equipment, driving a truck through rugged terrain and such). Hell, some recent commercials even feature women discussing the condition… women clearly unsatisfied with their current man’s performance.

Unfortunately, there is another male condition most people ignore—a condition that affects not only men, but also boys at one time or another. And it is just as serious as erectile dysfunction, even though it is rarely acknowledged as such.

I’m referring, of course, to erectile malfunction.

Like any tool, the male penis can sometimes function incorrectly. Occasionally, it even seems to have a mind of its own. The most obvious example of this is the unexpected erection (the so-called loner boner).

Ask any man and he will tell you about a time in his life when his “little friend” acted inappropriately at the most inopportune moment. For me, it was when I was a young lad in math class. Sitting across from me was Amy, a girl who matured early enough to possess some world-class boobies long before any of her friends. My imagination was running wild—and my pants were rising—when the unthinkable happened: I was called to the chalkboard to work out a problem in front of the class.

Has this ever happened to you? (Everyday Annoyances)

The good news is that like many men, I had perfected two important maneuvers that saved me from embarrassment. The first was a subtle shift of my manhood to the side—kind of a diagonal, against-the-leg move. And the second was a slightly hunched-over gait as I approached the board. By that point, I could straighten my posture since everyone was behind me. And believe me… nothing reduces sexual arousal faster than math. Maybe sports or C-Span, but sadly neither was available on that fateful day.

Another disturbing effect of erectile malfunction is the phantom pee. Picture this: you’re in a public place and feel pressure building inside you. Not the kind of pressure you feel prior to urination, but the kind associated with farts strong enough to power a small wind farm. Luckily, you find an area private enough to cut loose without drawing too much attention, squeeze one off and push a little too hard. A little pee slips out and, before you know it, you’re standing there with an expanding wet spot on your crotch. And to make matters worse, your fart smells so bad that shit would hold its nose if it could!

Yes, erectile malfunction is a serious condition and one that can cause undue stress and trauma to those who experience it. Take it from me, an EM survivor: we need a pill for this, too.

Just don’t ask me to star in any of the commercials because I’m pretty sure I’ll be busy that day.


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Now sharks won’t have the last laugh… the rest of us will! (Shannon Broskie/Twitter)

Leave it to North Carolina to garner headlines even more ridiculous than the ones focusing on our inept state government and voter identification laws.

The latest embarrassment comes from Kill Devil Hills on the coast, where two visitors from Virginia decided to vacation despite a slew of shark attacks this summer. Fortunately, they thought ahead and brought something to protect them from Jaws and his mates: individual shark cages.

And yes, these “inventors” actually tried to walk into the water with them—at least until a lifeguard asked them to return to shore.

The “shark proof cage inventions” were made from PVC pipe and would likely do very little to stave off sharks. But you have to admit they look good, right?

Trump Unplugged

trump butt plug

Help put Donald Trump in his place! (Fernando Sosa)

When it comes to merchandising, it is extremely rare for a product to perfectly represent the celebrity or famous figure for which it was designed. Thanks to a 31-year-old Florida artist named Fernando Sosa, however, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump finally has a product worthy of his name.

It’s a butt plug… and one “The Donald” can truly be proud of.

“I wanted to do something insulting,” Sosa told The Huffington Post recently. “I like the mental picture of his face going into people’s asses.”

Sosa used a 3D printer to create the butt plug shortly after Trump labeled Mexican immigrants as rapists and drug addicts. You see, he was born in Mexico and did not take kindly to Trump’s remarks.

Trump could not be reached for comment, of course, but I seriously doubt that we’ve heard “the end” of this… unless Trump engineers some sort of “come from behind” victory next year!


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