Toys for Ted

For those who want to see Cruz in the end (Mstyle183/Shapeways)

A few weeks ago, the Internet went crazy when it was discovered that Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz—while serving as solicitor general of Texas in 2007—supported a state law to criminalize the sale of sex toys.

In a brief issued from his office at the time, Cruz and his cohorts explained how people should not have the legal right to masturbate: “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

This brief included a statement that banned any device “useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Funny how there was no mention of non-human genitals, but that’s beside the point.

Fortunately, it was a big misunderstanding and Cruz recently told WABC that he will not attempt to ban sex toys if he becomes president—something which I and countless others hope never happens anyway.

For now, at least, this means that he and Trump aren’t the only dildos available. And for those of you interested in some high-tech self-pleasure, check out this video for the Dildo Drone. It’s fictional, for now, but there simply must be a market for it somewhere.

Of course, abstinence is always a good decision, too—especially when you consider the latest Cruz development. Someone watching an episode of the Maury Povitch show discovered Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old Cruz doppelgänger from Natchez, Mississippi. And if this image doesn’t immediately rob you of all sexual inclination, I don’t know what will:

Are you sure that isn’t just Ted in drag trying to access a woman’s restroom? (Maury Povitch/Getty)

Enough said.

Best Arrest Photo Ever

America’s next top model perhaps? (Fresno County Sheriffs Office)

Last Wednesday evening, Robert Lopez of Kingsburg, California was arrested after neighbors reported him watering his lawn in the nude.

When Fresno County Deputies arrived on the scene, they found Lopez drinking beer in the buff and asked him to put some clothes on, which he refused to do, of course.

At this point, Lopez started to hurl profanity at the officers—along with a beer bottle, which shattered on a nearby fence—and then threatened to grab his gun and shoot the deputies. He rushed into his home and resurfaced moments later wearing shorts. Instead of a gun, however, Lopez was carrying an 8-inch knife.

Fortunately, the officers were able to wrestle the knife away from Lopez and shot a bean bag round at his stomach, which immediately sent him to the ground. They put the cuffs on and before dragging him away, took his picture.

And a more bizarre arrest photo, you will not find. I assure you.

What would Jesus do?

Earlier this week, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a bill that some have described as “the most intense anti-queer legislation” ever to pass in America.

Reuters described it like this: “The far-reaching law allows people with religious objections to deny wedding services to same-sex couples. It also clears the way for employers to cite religion in determining workplace policies on dress code, grooming and bathroom and locker access.”

And like North Carolina’s recent anti-LGBT law, this one is total bullshit, as well.

Fortunately, a non-profit organization named Planting Peace responded by purchasing billboard space and posting one of the best religiously-themed billboards I have ever seen. Check it out:

And that’s how it’s done! (Planting Peace)

That’s right, haters! Jesus was about love and understanding, not hate and discrimination—and even an agnostic like me knows this! Time to tighten up on your theology!