Pop-Up Post: Too Old to Care

Isadore at 105 (Uncredited)

I am convinced that once you reach a certain age—for argument’s sake let’s say 67 years old—that you should be exempt from paying taxes, should have a special designated lane on the highway and should get 25-50% discounts on everything you buy.

The “special lane” thing is a little self-serving since this would prevent me from getting stuck behind elderly drivers all the time. No offense to any older readers out there, of course. I certainly don’t believe that all elderly drivers are bad… just the ones where I live. I’m kidding!

Though none of these things may ever happen, I can say one thing for certain, at least based on my own personal experiences: most elderly people simply don’t give a shit. And who can blame them? For 67 or more years, they have toiled, struggled, contributed, celebrated, suffered, loved, lost, relocated, hated… they’ve basically done it all. The road of life is a long one—if you’re lucky—and by the end you have to be tired of dealing with all the bullshit: long lines at the DMV, partisan politics, natural disasters, career changes, crime, state taxes, federal taxes, vehicle taxes, property taxes… blah, blah, blah.

Eventually—and certainly by the time you start considering yourself to actually be old (which most of us resist as long as possible)—you grow weary and simply don’t want to deal with it any more. Of course, the “proof is in the pudding,” as they say. And based on last week’s news, the pudding was 107-year-old Monroe Isadore of Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

On Saturday night, police in Pine Bluff responded to a call and arrived at Isadore’s home to find two as-yet-unidentified victims of aggravated assault waiting there—presumably housemates or family members, I’m not really sure. They were immediately removed from the residence before officers realized someone else was hiding in the bedroom.

It was Isadore. And as soon as officers approached the bedroom door, he started firing through it.

No one was injured in the old man’s first barrage, but they also weren’t taking any chances. A quick call was placed and within minutes, SWAT officers arrived on the scene.

As is customary in situations like these, officers began negotiating with Isadore, but used this distraction to slip a small camera into the room. There they saw the centenarian armed with a handgun and obviously ready to shoot.

Old people just don’t give a shit, remember?

Once negotiations broke down—which I’m sure everyone knew was coming, especially Isadore—SWAT members slipped gas through the bedroom window, which only served to piss the old man off. He immediately started firing, so more drastic measures were needed.

If Laura is 123 years old, then he’s breaking all the records! (Juan Karita/AP)

They came in the form of something called a “distraction device”—most likely some kind of flash bang grenade. Officers tossed one into the bedroom, only this time when Isadore began firing at them, they fired back.

He was killed almost instantly.

At 107 years old, I can’t imagine anything but dust and cobwebs coming out of Isadore’s wounds. And when you’re his age, a stiff breeze is just as likely to kill you as a bullet.

Kidding, once again. I know I’m an ass.

Incidentally, Isadore was not the oldest person in the world before his death, despite cruising well past age 100. If the public records in Bolivia can be trusted, then the oldest living person on the planet is Carmelo Flores Laura, a native Aymara who lives in a straw-roofed hut with a dirt floor near Lake Titicaca. How old is he, you ask? It’s hard to believe, but Laura supposedly turned 123 last month.

Now if anyone deserves a break, it’s that guy!

YouTube Confession Leads to Indictment

Cordle confesses to killing Canzini in a video confession (YouTube)

On June 22nd—somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 a.m.—61-year-old Vincent Canzini was travelling down Interstate 670 in Columbus, Ohio when he was suddenly struck by a drunk driver going in the wrong direction. He was pronounced dead at the scene a short time later.

The primary suspect in this case was Matthew Cordle, a 22-year-old Franklin County man whose conscience apparently got the best of him. Rather than attempting to escape responsibility for Canzini’s death, he took a different approach.

Cordle taped a video confession and posted it to YouTube. Check it out HERE.

Thus far, his video has been viewed more than a million times, even by law enforcement officials in his area. As a result, Cordle has now been indicted on charges of operating a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol and aggravated vehicular homicide. If he is convicted, then he could face as many as eight years in prison.

Of course, this doesn’t seem to shake Cordle because in his video, he accepts full responsibility for his actions and indicates that he will “take what’s coming” to him. In fact, his plan is to plead guilty and to hand the prosecution “everything they need to put [him] away for a very long time.”

Prosecutor Ron O’Brien told reporters he would not be influenced by Cordle’s video—the case against him was set long before his video was released—but Cordle’s lawyer George S. Breitmayer III claims leniency was never his client’s goal:

“Despite any speculation of his intentions, the video was meant to raise awareness related to the serious issues surrounding drinking and driving. In addition, [Cordle] hopes his confession will offer the Canzanis some level of closure by avoiding any lengthy, drawn out legal proceedings.”

Vincent Canzini (Facebook)

Although Cordle and his lawyer claim not to be interested in a reduced sentence or undue sympathy, some still believe his motive for posting the video confession was blatantly self-serving. However, Canzini’s ex-wife Cheryl Oates disagrees.

“He said, ‘I made a huge mistake, and I’m going to take what’s coming to me,'” Oates explained. “You’ve got to respect him for that.”

That’s certainly good enough for me.

Yes, Cordle made a terrible mistake and, as a result, an innocent person died. Maybe he’s being sincere in his video confession and maybe he isn’t, but the fact he was willing to post it—knowing full well the potential consequences of his actions—should count for something.

We’ll just have to see what the courts decide when he is arraigned tomorrow, I suppose. Stay tuned to your favorite news source for more as this tragic story develops…

The Big Idea: Come Again

Bruce and Evan Almighty (Universal/Spyglass)

Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming. –Matthew 24:42, NKJV

In the film Bruce Almighty, Jim Carrey plays Bruce Nolan, a special interest television news reporter who longs for the lead anchor job, which is eventually given to his nemesis, Evan Baxter (played expertly by Steve Carell, I might add). Dissatisfied with his life, Bruce complains to God once too often and is suddenly visited by the Almighty himself, who endows Bruce with his powers and sets him loose on Buffalo, New York.

If you’ve seen the movie, then you know that Bruce soon realizes the error of his ways and comes to appreciate the Lord. His life suddenly has meaning and by the end, he starts to appreciate the little things, including Jennifer Aniston, who plays his girlfriend.

Personally, I wouldn’t have any trouble appreciating Jennifer Aniston, so that’s the one plot point I never connected with. It certainly didn’t prevent my enjoyment of the film, though, because I watch it nearly every time it’s on television.

The sequel to Bruce Almighty focuses on Evan Baxter, Bruce’s one-time foil who now finds himself elected to Congress. In this film, God contacts Evan and tells him he must build an ark to prepare for the coming flood. Evan initially resists, but gives in once animals start following him around and his physical appearance suddenly transforms into Noah—complete with a beard that can’t be trimmed and flowing robes that replace any outfit Evan attempts to change into.

The message in Evan Almighty is, of course, that one man can make a difference and change—or even save—the world. Again, this is a movie I catch myself watching any time I come across it while channel surfing. It never ceases to entertain me, and I have loved Steve Carell since his first appearance on “The Office” all those years ago.

The movie idea that I have is kind of in the same vein as these two films, albeit with slightly more drama and more serious undertones. Yes, there will be comedic elements throughout and a thoughtful message will be delivered by the end, but my movie will lean more towards the dramatic side of the coin, at least in its final act.

Coming soon to an Apocalypse near you (taato)

Bruce had God’s powers and Evan built an ark. For my film—the working title of which is Come Again (as I’m sure you gathered from the title of this post)—the religious, Biblical event will be… wait for it… the SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST!

You think that might get people talking?

I’ll be honest. All I have so far are some general ideas, a few character possibilities and some tentative scenes in mind. Nothing about this idea has been fleshed out, despite it being locked in my head for a number of years. I can’t remember when it originated—perhaps as early as 1988, when The Last Temptation of Christ was released, or as late as The Passion of the Christ in 2004—but one or both of these films played their part and inspired me.

I’ve just been lazy in actually dealing with it, which is why I’m sharing it with you today, dear readers. I’m hoping that YOU will provide the insight I need to get this idea off the ground after first determining whether you feel it’s worthy of my attention at all. Yes, I’m asking a lot, but you have always been up to the task and I have no reason to believe this will be any different. Thanks again for being so willing to help.

Before I begin, let me first offer this brief disclaimer: I am not and would never profess to be an expert in the subjects of religion and spirituality. As my blog title indicates—sort of—I am agnostic and do not practice any specific religion. I have studied world religions before—both in college and recreationally, to satisfy my own interests—but certainly hold no academic degrees in these fields. Please excuse any discrepancies you find between my own fictional story and Biblical accounts. Instead, do me a “solid” and point them out by leaving some comments. The more accurate my depiction can be, the better, after all.

Jesus’ Second Coming (Discover Bible Truths)

That being said, here is the basic premise of Come Again. Please excuse me if some of this drifts into the stream of consciousness, pun intended.

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.  –Matthew 24:36, NIV

As I understand it—and given my limited knowledge of the Bible—the Second Coming is when Jesus Christ comes down from Heaven to take true believers and the penitent upstairs while everyone else burns down below. Granted, this is a very rough interpretation, but it covers the basics.

Consider this, though: What if God took a different approach and instead had his Son “reborn” into a human body? This would allow Jesus a firsthand view of the human experience and, in turn, allow for a more informed judgment of mankind later. By living as a human—in this case one who isn’t born with the knowledge of who he really is—Jesus can experience what we experience and feel what we feel. He can truly understand.

What came to mind next was the question of Jesus’ rebirth. The first time around was immaculate—Mary just turned up pregnant and the father turned out to be The Big Man himself. This time, though, I feel like it could go one of two ways. First, the birth could again be immaculate, only this time it’s because his mother is a whore and can’t remember who she may have been with at the time of his conception. Not knowing in this way equates to having no father at all.

The second approach would be to give Jesus both a mother and a father. Yes, God is his real dad, but he would also have a human father in his life. And since he doesn’t realize he’s the Second Coming—at least not until later in the film—this man would actually be his father, and he would love him accordingly.

Personally, I like the second option because it gives Jesus an even deeper, more fulfilling human experience. Would you agree?

Okay, let’s assume that Jesus is reborn and give him a name. I have toiled over what to call this person and tried desperately to find a name that hinted at something Biblical. The working name I’ll use for now is pretty obvious: Jay. Yes, I could also call him J.C., but I have a friend with that name and as much as I hate to say it, he ain’t no Jesus. He’s close, but those shoes are too big for his tiny feet to fill, believe me.

A 1970 album from the band The Second Coming (redtelephone66.com)

Of course, I did come up with some more creative names, I think. One was Lee—being short for Galilee—and I even toyed with the notion of calling him Nezra—a play on the word Nazareth. With no intention of sounding racist, this name seemed a little black to me since the only Nezras I’ve ever known have been black. It might not be a bad idea to make him black since some believe Jesus may have actually been black. Odds are he had more of an olive complexion, but who knows for sure. This would certainly add some controversy, but that’s not really what I’m after, so why go down that road?

I did consider naming the main character Beth for Bethlehem, but that would also require a change in gender. Granted, this could add a layer to the film and intensify Jesus’ human experience—having to deal with new genitalia and more attention from guys on top of everything else—but I have no idea how I’d write that one. A female partner would help since my depictions of females have always been lacking. Hell, I don’t understand women myself, much less how to write realistic women into my screenplays!

Back to Jay.

Jay is born and lives his life as any human boy would. Maybe he has a home with loving parents or a broken home with a negligent father, who knows. I haven’t really gotten that far yet. We can assume that regardless of his upbringing, Jay is a genuinely good person with a kind heart—he’s the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, for His sake. As such, perhaps he volunteers at a soup kitchen, helps others as a social worker or simply lends a hand to anyone in need. Jay is a nice guy and, whenever possible, he is always looking out for his fellow man.

I kind of envision Jay as an activist… one of those people who are sick and tired of everything that’s wrong in the world and willing to take action while others do nothing. Unfortunately, his activism comes at a cost when it interferes with—and eventually terminates—his actual career and even his relationship with his girlfriend. Jay is on a downward spiral, but somehow manages to “keep the faith”—in more of a spiritual than religious way—and that’s when it happens.

He starts to catch glimpses of who he truly is.

At this point, my ideas get a little hazy and disjointed. I have no idea where the whole “judgment of humanity” plot line will lead—which is basically the entire third act, I imagine—but I do have some scene ideas involving Jay’s awakening. The first comes in his bathroom just after taking a shower.

Jay is standing in his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair is wet and water is still dripping off of him as he stands there admiring himself in the small mirror over the sink. Steam still fills the room as Jay decides to check a different mirror: the full-length one behind the bathroom door.

The long mirror is fogged up, so Jay uses his still damp hand to wipe it clear. Just as he does, he notices a rather disturbing reflection that sends him leaping backwards in shock, nearly into the shower curtain and tub behind him. He slowly rises to his feet, never once taking his eyes off the reflection in front of him.

This would probably freak me out, too! (Verses to the King)

Standing there is Jesus Christ, complete with robes, sandals and that trademark beard. Even more, it isn’t some image of Jesus, like one you might see in a Sunday school book; it’s him made to look like Jesus.

Unable to believe his eyes, Jay immediately slaps himself across the face, shakes his head vigorously and checks the mirror again. This time the reflection is his own: a half-naked man dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist. Jay sighs with relief at what he thinks must be some kind of hallucination and just before the scene cuts, his towel accidentally falls to the ground.

That’s the first potential scene I came up with, but the second would come a short time later. By this point, Jay’s had some strange experiences that lead him to believe he might be Jesus reborn, but he still hasn’t accepted the fact completely. Maybe he decides to visit a friend—someone more religious who might be able to help—or to do some other as-yet-determined task, but this scene takes place in his car.

Jay is driving along, minding his own business and sipping from a bottle of water he just bought at a convenience store. Perhaps the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar is playing, he’s typing out a text message on his cell phone or something else is distracting him, but Jay doesn’t realize he’s picked up speed.

A highway patrolman passing by him notices, though, and moments later Jay is pulled over to the side of the road. He knows a speeding ticket is coming his way and despite being a grown man, still finds himself nervous. To calm his anxiety—as the officer slowly approaches his car—Jay takes a few deep breaths and one more swallow from his water bottle. He kicks the bottle back, takes a few big slugs with his eyes closed and then opens his eyes to a damning realization: the water in the bottle is now red because he turned it into wine!

Try explaining that one to a cop with purple teeth and an open bottle of wine in your hand!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all I have. Granted, there are some other ideas floating through my mind—and I haven’t really devoted the proper time to this idea yet—but for now, that’s everything.

So my questions for you, dear reader, are as follows: Do you think this is an idea worth pursuing? Does it seem like a film you and others would want to see? Or is it total crap and a complete waste of time?

Jesus Christ Superstar (Entertainment Weekly)

Remember that I am not easily offended—if you manage to offend me at all, which is hard to do—and I welcome any constructive criticism, feedback or suggestions you are willing to offer. Please use the comments section and understand that anyone who attacks me for religious reasons—because using Jesus and the Bible in a fictional story is sacrilegious or something—will have their comments removed since nothing here is intended to mock Christianity or those who follow it. To them I say simply, “Lighten up.”

And who knows? I may even toss in a poll to make responding even easier. Either way, thanks for reading about my latest Big Idea despite its excessive length and my rather verbose approach. Creativity just gets me worked up, you know?

Peace out, peeps. And be good to each other.

Proof in the Pictures

The August 21 attack in Syria may have included Saran gas (Hassan Ammar/Associated Press)

Behind closed doors, the Obama administration recently showed a select group of senators 13 different videos that depict the alleged chemical weapons attack in Syria last month.

They are trying to make a case for limited military intervention against the suspected perpetrators of this deadly attack—President Bashar al-Assad and his regime—but first need approval from the House and the Senate.

CNN and other news agencies obtained a number of these videos, some of which have been available on the Internet for weeks, but these particular videos were deemed authentic by members of the intelligence community.

In other words, they’re legit… not to mention incredibly sad and disturbing.

The videos are too gruesome for inclusion here (AP)

The videos show Syrian civilians—many of them children—convulsing on the ground, foaming at the mouth and basically making a beeline for death. To me, they clearly prove that a chemical weapon was used. And though I know little about Saran gas, some authorities have confirmed that the people in these videos show clear symptoms of exposure to this horrible weapon.

There is no doubt that chemical weapons were used against innocent civilians last month, but these videos prove nothing about who actually unleashed them. Fortunately, this is just a sliver of the evidence our government likely has. They already know who did and, in the coming weeks, I’m sure we will know, as well.

Get ready, soldiers. It looks like a trip to Syria could be in your not-too-distant future.

Reality Round-Up: Strange Days

Guilty or not guilty? Hernandez claims the latter (NESN)

Strange days are upon us, ladies and gentlemen. And once again, the barometer of the news has illuminated craziness all over our great nation. Rather than bore you with lots of exposition, let’s launch right into this edition of the Reality Round-Up. Things are strange all over and, I’m sad to say, getting stranger by the minute. Read on and I have no doubt you will agree.

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MASSACHUSETTS

Have you ever told a lie so many times that eventually, you started to believe it yourself?

Apparently, this is what’s happening with former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who is currently being held without bail for the murder of Odin Lloyd this past June. Despite all kinds of damning evidence linking him to the crime—including tire treads at the murder scene that match his car, eyewitness accounts that place Hernandez and Lloyd together the night he was killed, and surveillance video showing Hernandez armed with a gun on the night of the killing—he still pleaded not guilty on Friday of first-degree murder.

Is it safe to assume this former professional athlete is in denial or what?

Propellers killed Pirozek (The Original Greenwich Diva)

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

Roman Pirozek of Queens was a remote control enthusiast. His proudest RC possession was a helicopter, which he flew and enjoyed as often as he could.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the bizarre on Thursday afternoon when the remote-controlled helicopter Pirozek was flying swooped down and hit him in the head. According to several different sources, the helicopter’s blades took off the top of its operator’s head. The 19-year-old was pronounced dead on arrival by paramedics a short time later.

As freakishly tragic as this story is, at least Pirozek died doing something he loved. Granted, this is a small silver lining to an otherwise dark cloud, but it’s certainly better than nothing.

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA

This next story is strange only because it seems like something that could have easily been prevented, but instead resulted in more tragedy.

On Tuesday, the body of 19-year-old Benedict College student Ayaanah Gibson was found in her dorm room. Based on the latest reports, Gibson was 32 months pregnant and delivered a stillborn fetus sometime last weekend. Complications during the birth must have caused her to hemorrhage because she apparently bled to death, according to the Richland County Coroner’s Office.

I work at a small college and it’s very hard for me to understand how someone couldn’t have at least stumbled across Gibson as she lay bleeding in her room. Didn’t she have a roommate staying with her? Weren’t other students present who could have helped, maybe even a Resident Advisor?

Gibson met a tragic end (boahay.vn)

Saying goodbye to your kids when they leave for college is hard enough. You have to trust that college officials, staff and other employees will care for the children you love so dearly, while also allowing them to grow and develop into knowledgeable and productive adults. But when that goodbye ends up being the last you ever share with your offspring, I can’t even imagine the sorrow and despair to follow.

Please pray for the Gibson family during this difficult time if you are so inclined. In one weekend, they lost both a child and a grandchild, and no one deserves to feel that kind of pain.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Schools made the news again in L.A. when 13 school employees were arrested for stealing books and selling them to Corey Frederick, a book buyer from Long Beach. In turn, Frederick sold them online—for a huge profit, I’m sure—and even sold some back to the schools from whence they came!

Among those arrested for participating in the two-year scheme—which took at least 7,000 textbooks out of the hands of children in four of Los Angeles’ poorest districts—were a warehouse supervisor, several office workers and even a few librarians. Together, they stole books in subjects ranging from physics, anatomy and physiology to language arts, economics and literature. Bribes from Frederick netted them anywhere from $600 to $45,000 or more—and he allegedly spent more than $200,000 before his little caper came to an end.

Stealing textbooks for profit is just plain wrong (friendsofppl.org)

The charges against these clearly deranged and greedy school employees include accepting bribes and embezzlement. Frederick himself is facing 13 and 12 counts of each, respectively. Granted, this may not seem strange enough to warrant inclusion in the Reality Round-Up, at least not until you consider what happened next.

Of the 13 suspects implicated in this case, 12 have pleaded not guilty. Yeah… as if.

This brings to mind something I saw in a movie once. There was a line of people standing there—they may have been students or military cadets, but it didn’t come from Taps. Great movie, by the way. Timothy Hutton, Sean Penn, Tom Cruise in one of his early film roles. It’s a keeper.

At any rate, the leader of the group asked for a volunteer to step forward. But before anyone could do so, all but one of the people in line stepped back instead, leaving one unsuspecting person “holding the bag.”

Twelve of the thirteen book thieves pleaded not guilty? That poor bastard in the 13^th slot is looking pretty damned guilty right about now!

NATIONWIDE

Our last story can’t be connected to one particular city, state or area because it is literally happening everywhere. I suppose if you weren’t limited to only the physical world, though, you could say it exists collectively online—most notably on that well-known “Internet classifieds” website known as Craigslist.

And gentlemen, you better watch your backs.

Believe it or not, but some women have been selling their positive pregnancy tests online for no other purpose than deception, Check out how one of the pee-coated, EPT test sellers put it:

“Wanna get your boyfriend to finally pop the question? Play a trick on Mom, Dad or one of your friends? I really don’t care what you use it for.”

Yes, for the low, low price of only $20 or $30, you can fool your man into leaving his independence behind and settling into a life built on a lie… a lie he’ll undoubtedly discover when you don’t gain weight or give birth to anything a short time later.

Someone might be running a two-for-one special! (Chronicles of Conception)

Might I suggest spending your money on something a bit more reasonable instead… like some sexy lingerie that might entice him to impregnate you for real, perhaps? Granted, this won’t work with “Mom and Dad,” but I’m sure you’ll think of something.

Strange days are surely upon us, dear readers. Of course, those that aren’t strange seem far less common, so maybe the next Reality Round-Up will focus on just that: news stories that simply aren’t that out of the ordinary.

Sounds boring to me, but you never know…

In Loving Memory

This combination of stickers works much better for me. Go Steelers! (deadspin.com)

Despite finding them rather tacky, I once had at least a sliver of respect for people who put stickers in the back windows of their cars to memorialize loved ones they’ve lost. It could be a father, mother, sibling, close personal friend… whatever the case may be. I may find their medium rather kitschy, but their messages always seem heartfelt.

The example in this photo is an obvious exception, of course, but I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about.

And I do love those Pittsburgh Steelers. Go team!

Yesterday, however, I encountered such a sticker on my way home from work. It was attached to some run-of-the-mill vehicle—a Toyota Camry or something, I think—and sadly, it now seems as if I’ve lost all respect for these “In Loving Memory” sticker folks.

Present company excluded, of course.

I can’t recall exactly who the sticker memorialized, but whoever was behind the wheel certainly tarnished his good name—I do remember it being a male. Jimmy something? It’s not important, but that’s as good a name to use as any.

A sticker this size blocking the rear view might be part of the problem (eBay)

I never knew Jimmy—at least I don’t think I knew him (it’s a small town and I’ve lived here for most of my life, so it is possible we crossed paths before)—but if he was buried in the ground after he died, I’m sure he was turning over in his grave when he saw how this relative was driving. It was one for the record books, let me tell you.

The encounter began as I approached the Camry, which was several hundred yards ahead waiting to pull out from a side street. Ten seconds more and I would have passed right by, leaving nothing but clear road for the Camry behind me. Apparently, this was too long for the impatient driver because rather than waiting, she let me get closer and then pulled out in front of me.

Yes, I just remembered the driver was female. And no, this doesn’t mean all women drivers are terrible. Stereotypes aren’t my bag, baby, but back to the story.

I was obviously pissed at this point, but I quickly got over it because people pull out in front of me all the time. I’ve worked hard to contain my road rage, so snapping on all of them would undoubtedly punch my stress ticket to the afterlife. Best to just take these things in stride.

Of course, pulling out in front of me was only the beginning. For the three or four miles I was behind this idiot, she swerved onto the shoulder multiple times, lowered the speed limit from 55 m.p.h. to 35—sometimes as low as 20 in places—and proved once again that for some people, multitasking simply isn’t an option.

In other words, she got a call on her cell phone, answered it and immediately experienced a deterioration in her driving skills—which were already shitty, as you can see. Talking and driving was simply too much for her, so hopefully no one ever asks her to walk and chew gum at the same time.

She might need to take some kind of class or acquire some specialized training before tackling that daunting task.

Finally, we reached the turn for my neighborhood and in spite of being agnostic, I found myself praying that she would continue on her way and find some other poor bastard to irritate—this poor bastard had enough and his fuse was getting shorter by the minute. I prayed to God—supposing there really is one out there (sorry for the gratuitous agnosticism plug)—and for a moment there, I even prayed to Jimmy… or whatever his name was.

This seems a little excessive, don’t you think, Stinky? (Real Deal Auto Blog)

Maybe there really is a God, or at least the spirit of Jimmy intervening on behalf of his kin, but she kept on driving and I was soon home safe and sound.

I know it wasn’t the “In Loving Memory” sticker that made this woman such a “horror on the highway.” It’s like those pine tree air fresheners that people hang from their rear view mirrors. Every one that I have encountered has been in the car of a driver like Jimmy’s loved one—some maniac who put his life and the lives of everyone around him in danger—and I even theorized that some chemical in the freshener caused those who inhaled it to suddenly regress to a second-grade intellect. I was wrong, of course… at least I hope I was wrong.

On this particular day, though, “in loving memory” turned into “in your face trying to seriously f-up your day.” I just hate that poor Jimmy had to get dragged into it.

Kidnapper Kills Himself

Castro, his cell and his victims (Associated Press)

Ariel Castro is dead.

The Cleveland man convicted of kidnapping Michelle Knight, Georgina DeJesus and Amanda Berry, holding them prisoner and abusing them for more than a decade was found dead in his prison cell on Tuesday evening. He used a bed sheet to hang himself.

Oddly enough, guards were supposed to check on Castro every 30 minutes at staggered intervals—he was being held in protective custody, after all—but even this didn’t prevent him from taking his own life.

Some of Castro’s family members were not very happy about this, of course. And hearing about their relative’s suicide in the media before being officially notified by prison officials certainly didn’t help—the warden only contacted Castro’s brother-in-law with the news.

Last month, Castro pleaded guilty to 937 counts that included murder, kidnapping, rape and assault. He was subsequently sentenced to life plus 1,000 years, which is just another way of saying he would never leave prison alive.

Mission accomplished, I suppose. And though I would never celebrate the death of another human being—even one as evil as Ariel Castro—I hope his suicide finally brings some closure to his victims and, more importantly, this story.

How I long for the days when the only Castro mentioned in the news was the cigar-smoking Cuban dictator…

New Idol Judges Announced!

Lopez and Connick Jr. join the judges (Slaven Vlasic/Neilson Barnard/Getty Images)

At long last, it looks like the panel of judges for the new season of American Idol has been selected. Idol fans rejoice!

Country star Keith Urban will assume his usual spot behind the judges’ table, but Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj will not be joining him.

I’m sure he spent all summer crying about that.

Instead, it looks as if Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr. will round out the panel. Mainstay Randy Jackson will serve only in a mentoring capacity for contestants.

The wait is finally over… and it has been a long one for fans of this popular show. Of course, all of this leaves me with one very important question, and one I think may be shared among those who don’t follow American Idol:

Who gives a crap?

Mile-High Matricide

Is this the face of a killer? (Isabella Guzman/Facebook)

“You will pay.”

That was the message sent by 18-year-old Isabella Guzman to her mother—47-year-old Yun-Mi Hoy—through Facebook last Wednesday in Centennial, Colorado. And this just one day after an argument with her mom ended with Isabella spitting in her face and storming out of the house.

No one knew the cause of Isabella’s rebellious behavior—many credited it to the growing pains all teenagers experience—but Hoy was worried. She called the police and told them her daughter “had threatened to harm her,” so officers spoke with Isabella and told her Hoy could throw her out if her bad behavior continued.

Though this seemed to help, Hoy took no chances and reached out to Robert Guzman—her ex-husband and Isabella’s father—who immediately came to speak with his daughter.

“We sat down in the backyard… and I started to talk to her about the respect that people should have for their parents,” Guzman said later. “I thought that I made progress, but obviously it didn’t do nothing.”

What it did—judging from what happened next—was set Isabella off. Apparently all of the lecturing from parents and police lit some kind of fuse deep within the rebellious teen. And when she exploded, there was only one person in her path: her mother.

Ryan Hoy, Isabella’s stepfather, was downstairs Wednesday evening, enjoying some dinner while his wife prepared for a shower upstairs.

Suddenly, he heard some strange thumping sounds coming from above him, followed by the faint sound of his wife calling his name.

Ryan rushed upstairs and could hear the shower running, but when he tried to open the bathroom door, he discovered it was blocked. He tried to nudge it open, but felt something—or someone—pushing back against him. Just before the door closed and locked, he caught a glimpse of the person responsible.

It was Isabella.

Blood started to pool under the bathroom door, so Ryan scrambled for his cell phone and dialed 911. After telling the operator that his wife was being attacked, he rushed back upstairs and heard his wife whisper “Jehovah” just as the bathroom door opened.

Police found a gruesome scene (Fox 31 Denver)

Out walked Isabella, covered in blood and with the knife still in hand, arm resting at her side. In complete silence and with a blank stare on her face, the young killer walked past her stepfather, down the stairs and out of the house.

Ryan immediately rushed to his wife and followed the dispatcher’s CPR instructions, but it was too late. Her throat had been slashed and she simply lost too much blood.

An autopsy would later reveal that Hoy had been stabbed 79 times in the face and neck… by her own daughter, no less.

Late Thursday morning, someone noticed a body in a car parked in a garage on South Parker Road. Police investigated and discovered a number of items they believed to be connected to the homicide. A K-9 team was called in and a short time later, Isabella walked out of the garage and right into the hands of the authorities.

She is currently being held in Arapahoe County Jail.

No one knows what drove Isabella Guzman to brutally murder her mother—not even the close family members who knew her best. She had been sent to live with her father for a time at age seven—mostly to give her mom a break from the constant arguing—but Isabella eventually returned.

And what daughter hasn’t argued with her mother, especially during the turbulence of her teenage years?

Of course, rebelling against a parent and hacking them to death in the family bathroom are two very different things. Maybe psychologists and psychiatrists can determine why Isabella chose such a drastic response—a response that effectively ended two lives. And maybe then we can prevent a senseless tragedy like this from ever happening again.

Pop-Up Post: What Up with Chappelle?

Could Dave be unraveling again? (Mavsfan99)

It was June 2004 in Sacramento, California when popular comedian Dave Chappelle walked off the stage during a stand-up show and only returned to berate his audience of Chappelle’s Show fans.

You know why my show is good? Because the network officials say you’re not smart enough to get what I’m doing, and every day I fight for you. I tell them how smart you are. Turns out, I was wrong. You people are stupid.

Less than a year later, Chappelle stunned everyone by suddenly walking off the set of his show’s third season production and taking an impromptu trip to South Africa. He claimed to be unhappy with the direction his show was taking and needed to clear his head.

Coming here I don’t have the distractions of fame. It quiets the ego down. I’m interested in the kind of person I’ve got to become. I want to be well-rounded and the industry is a place of extremes. I want to be well-balanced. I’ve got to check my intentions, man.

Fortunately, Chappelle recovered and eventually returned to the stand-up scene. This year he is even part of the Funny or Die Oddball Comedy Tour, which also features Flight of the Conchords, John Mulaney and Kristen Schaal.

Chappelle doing stand-up, his passion (SMG)

Things had been going well for Chappelle, but then came Thursday night and a show in Hartford, Connecticut. And in many ways, it was as if history suddenly repeated itself.

During his set, Chappelle started to get heckled by several audience members, most of them drunk white males. Shouts of “You suck!” and “What the f–k is going on here?” echoed through the stadium. And judging from some of the cell phone videos of the incident, a number of audience members started to leave, as well.

Chappelle was clearly affected and basically sat down to smoke a cigarette while his contractually obligated 25 minutes passed.

I only have three minutes left. And when my three minutes is up, my ass is gone. I’m going straight to the bank and doing night deposit.

And with that—and the booming sound of Kanye West’s “New Slaves” accompanying him—Chappelle was gone.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to get a little worried about Dave… again.

What up, DC?